News Dumpster

BIN LADIN MISSING US ATTENTION

2009-05-26T23:26:00.002+01:00

OSAMA: CRIED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL

Doha – Osama Bin Laden is said to be “mortally offended” by the United States’ recent lack of interest in him, reports emerged from the Arabic television channel Al-Jazeera, today. Apparently Osama is sick of being ignored “ever since North Korea started firing off those bloody bombs,” said a spokesman for the Qatari television station, where Bin Laden sends all his tapes.
“Osama’s pretty down in the dumps about it,” confirmed spokesman, Jihad Ballout. “He spent a long, long time cultivating a genuine fear of terrorism, in the United States in particular, and now feels he’s having his thunder stolen by other’s, a little bit.
“Right when he was in his pomp as the most evil man in the world, the American’s turned their attention back to Saddam Hussein,” said Ballout. “That wasn’t so bad, but now they’re not even looking at the Middle East any more. It’s all ‘Korea this, Korea that’, and it’s really getting on top of him.”

NUCLEAR WEAPONS

North Korea recently hit international headlines when they announced they had been testing nuclear weapons in an underground bunker in a remote area of the country. This has lead to an outcry from the United States government and the UN, deflecting attention away from the Middle East, for now anyway.
“It’s all about the nukes; these are where the real threat to humanity lie,” said Jihad Ballout, “Korea has them, they thought Saddam had them, but unfortunately for Bin Laden, the infid … I mean, the Americans know he doesn’t have any.”
Barack Obama, since his inauguration, has repeatedly promised to improve relations between the US and the Arabic world. This is a far cry from George Bush’s no nonsense approach, which saw America invade two separate Arabic nations after September 11th, 2001, and the attacks which occurred on that date.
“You’d always get a rise out of Bush,” laughed Ballout. “Osama never even had to try very hard – he’d release the odd video from inside his cave, and the Americans would go berserk. It was like he did it for fun. Obama on the other hand – what can I say about him? It’s like he doesn’t even care. You know, the last video of Bin Ladin’s we played, the Yanks barely even looked at it. Osama was giving some of his best lines, saying how he’d “rain down a hell storm of pain on the United States that would be remembered for a thousand years’. And the CIA just sat their laughing at him; slagging his cave off, and saying how grey his beard had gotten and everything. Apparently, when the guy who brings our videos to us – Ralph Mazhood – told Osama this, he broke down sobbed like a little girl. He then had Ralph flailed and decapitated, obviously.”

PISSED OFF

Undercover reports from Bin Ladin’s cave in the mountains somewhere on the Pakistani/Afghan border, suggest that he’s feeling very low of late, and perhaps suffering from depression. “It’s been a hard seven and a half years for him,” the surprisingly knowledgeable on Bin Ladin’s current status, given the repeated claims of Al-Jazeera of having no terrorist affiliations even though they somehow procure all of Bin Ladin’s tapes and other such information, spokesman agreed. “He misses his family; he says the food is terrible, and as you might expect, he’s a bit pissed off living in a cave in the mountains in one of the poorest nations on earth.
“Between you and me, I think he’s finding the September 11th attacks a little too hard to live up to, as well. That was his Everest, and, well … how do you emulate that?” Especially without nukes, Newsdumpster.com commented. “Exactly,” said Ballout, “Especially without nukes?”

HEATH LEDGER TO "RESURRECT" MOVIE CAREER

2009-05-23T04:27:00.006+01:00

LEDGER: STILL BETTER THAN KEANU REEVES

Hollywood, CA – The late Heath Ledger is set to make a startling return to the silver screen, in a remake of the Eighties classic "Weekend at Bernie’s". Ledger, whose latest movie “The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus” was released to rave reviews in cinemas this week – a movie mistakenly claimed by many in the industry to have been his last – is to star as the eponymous Bernie, played in the original by a live guy who only pretended to be dead, or "acted", as it is known in movie making parlance. However, the Academy Award winner is expected to bring to the role a unique deadness, that only he can.

RESPECTED

Heath Ledger, born in Perth, Australia in 1979, was one of Hollywood's most loved and respected stars before he died, having starred in such films as "Brokeback Mountain", "Monster's Ball", the sublime "10 Things I Hate About You", and most notably “The Dark Knight", for which he won an Oscar, beating Mickey Rourke into second place for the annual sympathy award.
"Heath would be delighted to accept this role," said Ledger's agent, Josh Lieberman, "if he were able to accept anything. Fortunately I was able to do that for him. He was always so dedicated to the craft of acting, we feel certain he'd have wanted his body to continue, even in the face of abject humiliation and loss of dignity both to him and his family. It’s a genuine honour to be able to resurrect his career like this.” When asked how much the Estate of Heath Ledger would receive for the part, Lieberman, wearing a brand new fur coat, and a shiny watch with the price tag still on it, replied “Money has nothing to do with this decision."
Ledger, who died under tragic circumstances in January 2008, when he accidentally overdosed on a combination of prescription drugs, will play the part of Bernie Lomax: a rich guy who dies and spends the rest of the time having his deceased carcass manipulated by others, in a possible case of art imitating life. "Ahem, yeah … weird huh? Anyway … we knew that Heath was perfect for the role,” said Lieberman. “But we really had to fight for it. At one point Keanu Reeves was being strongly considered, and that guy has made a career out of lifeless; but I guess, in the end, the studio just felt Heath had a greater experience of what it's like to be dead, as opposed to shit at acting."

MUMMIFIED

Questions were asked about Ledger's ability to play a freshly dead guy, when, by now, he should be a mass of bone, hair and putrid flesh, but Lieberman was convinced everything everything would work out. "Fortunately for us, Mary-Kate Olsen had him mummified and sold to the world famous '10 Things I Hate About You' museum in Burbank," he said. "Every single penny she got for him went into a trust fund for his daughter, Matilda Rose. She just wanted do what she could to honour his memory best." Ledger was found dead in Olsen's apartment, in Manhattan. "Anyway, the upshot is, we have a perfectly intact Heath Ledger," Lieberman added.
He did, however, remain tight-lipped when asked about the possibility of Ledger starring in the upcoming George A. Romero movie “Late Afternoon Of The Dead”. “At the moment we’re still in talks,” responded Lieberman, winking, while rubbing his thumb and two fingers together.
“Weekend at Bernie’s” is due to be released in Cinema’s next year.

MUGABE WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

2009-05-21T22:15:00.004+01:00

MUGABE: PEACE OUT

OSLO – In a decision shrouded in controversy, Robert Mugabe has been named the Nobel Peace Laureate for 2009, "for not being as bad as he used to be." Mugabe, who, for years, has been regarded as one of the world's most dangerous and subversive political leaders, was awarded the Peace Prize at the ceremony in Oslo, amid shocked scenes of stiff upper-lipped quiet mumbling; one infuriated attendee was even heard to utter "I say" at a slightly louder than usual volume.

HATE CAMPAIGN

Mugabe, Dictator of Zimbabwe since 1980, spent much of his early political career as a member of the military organisation, ZANU (Zimbabwe African People's Union), in White-led Rhodesia in the 1960's and 70's. And after a spell as a political prisoner, he eventually clawed his way to power. In the 29 years since, he was responsible for mass genocide, crippling the Zimbabwean economy, and waging a hate campaign against whites, homosexuals, minorities, and basically anyone who didn't agree with him. He also made numerous comparisons between himself and Hitler.
However, the Nobel Board, have defended their decision to award him Nobel Laureate. "It's a changing world, and we have to change with the times," said Director of the Nobel Institute, Prof. Geir Lundestad, at a press conference after the ceremony. "Which of you here can name the last Nobel Peace Prize winner? Huh?" After a few coughs and sideways glances, Professor Lundestad continued: "Not one of you, just as I thought." The actual winner, according to Wikipedia, was former Finnish President Martii Ahtisaari "for his important efforts, on several continents and over more than three decades, to resolve international conflicts."

GLAMOUR

"Robert Mugabe brings a certain amount of glamour," continued Lundestad. "People won't forget the winner of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize in a hurry; that I can assure you of."
When reminded of Mugabe's brutal regime, particularly over the last decade, culminating in his refusal to acknowledge the results of the 2008 Zimbabwean General election, and subsequently incarcerating the actual winner Morgan Tsvangirai. "Yeah, but since then, what's he done wrong?" questioned Lundestad. "I take your point about all that evil stuff he did, but was last year. Did he win last year? Did he? No. He wasn't even nominated. Anyway, he let that guy be Prime Minister in the end.

"Look, what I'm trying to say is that, in the last 12 months, the genocide has decreased to the point where he almost never kills in cold blood now. Ok, the economy is still shit, but not nearly as bad as, say, Ireland's. And between you and me, he's a bit of craic over a few pints."

PREDICTABLE

This year's Nobel Peace Prize was notable for having a record 205 candidates vying for the prize, including people such as Barack Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy. One of the favourites for the award, Ingrid Betancourt, the French-Colombian hostage who was freed last year after six and a half years in captivity, and known for her strong anti-corruption values when a senator in the Colombian government, was apparently overlooked for being a "predictable" choice. "Yeah, a few of the lads wanted to go with her," said Lundestad, "but I didn't really feel she brought anything new to the table. It was all too predictable; I can imagine the headlines: 'Multi-ethnic, human-rights chick wins Nobel Prize!' – the headlines on, like, page twelve," Lundestad added, mockingly.
Lundestad also denied that this decision would have the heavily expected effect of devaluing the award in future. “Bollocks – if we managed to keep Gandhi’s name off the winner’s list, and still keep our dignity, we can do whatever the hell we like.”

SPIDERMAN DIES OF LEUKAEMIA

2009-05-20T23:06:00.005+01:00

SPIDERMAN: DEAD

New York, NY – Spiderman, New York's friendly neighbourhood Superhero, has died of Leukaemia in Mount Sinai Hospital, New York, a spokesperson for the hospital announced earlier today. Spiderman, whose health had been under intense speculation, ever since the green Goblin kicked his frail-looking ass in Times Square last February, is said to have passed away peacefully.
One of America's most misunderstood Superheroes, Spiderman was often more loathed than loved, with many New Yorker's believing, at first, that he was a actually a Supervillain. This initial mistrust was exemplified by a now legendary hate campaign led by former Daily Bugle boss, J. Jonah Jameson (Jameson was later dismissed by the Daily Bugle, for his part in a human trafficking cartel, in 2006). However it was not long before Spiderman turned the people around, when he publicly foiled one of Dr. Octopus' many schemes to take over the world.

SAD DAY

"It is a sad day for all America," Spiderman's oncologist at Mount Sinai, Dr. David Samadi, announced to the crowd of mourners who gathered outside Spiderman's final resting place. "We have lost not only a great hero, but a great friend. But Spiderman's death need not be in vain. Hopefully this will be an eye-opener to anyone who has come into contact with any radioactive material. We urge you to seek medical assistance immediately."
Spiderman is believed to have been unwilling visit hospital, after having been bitten by a radioactive spider – the apparent source of his Super powers, amongst which were the ability to climb walls, a form of ESP, superhuman strength, and outstanding agility.
But Dr. George Apostolakis, an expert in the effects of Radiation, at MIT, says that Spiderman's situation is extraordinarily unique. "The chances of being imbued with Super Powers after being bitten by a radio-active creature are phenomenally high," he says. "What is more likely, is that the victim will develop ARS (Acute Radiation Syndrome), which will typically lead to the patient developing fatigue, increased temperature, swollen glands, and finally, some form of cancer – usually terminal.
"In Spiderman's case," Mr Apostolakis continues, "The risk of illness would have been proliferated, given that he should have been poisoned by the animal too." We ask Mr. Apostolakis if it's possible that the combination of these two elements – the spider venom coupled with the radiation – could have led to a delay in the onset of his illness. "It's almost certainly what did happened, but it's massively rare; the fact that he came by his Super powers is one thing, but to assume that this meant he would suffer no ill-affects from either the radiation or the spider, is quite frankly stupid."

TRIBUTES

Meanwhile, hundreds of tributes have come pouring in, from fans, celebrities, and Superheroes alike, with Superman describing him as, "Clearly the second best superhero ever, after me, obviously." Even some of Spiderman's nemeses have expressed shock; Dr Octopus expressed his remorse for repeatedly trying to murder him, and said "Despite obviously being a lot easier now, taking over the world just won't be the same." Surprisingly, Peter Parker, the photojournalist who has spent his career documenting the adventures of Spiderman, was nowhere to be seen.

OBAMA SAYS “FUCK IT, I’M GOING ON VACATION”

2009-05-19T10:05:00.003+01:00

OBAMA: DON'T FUCK WITH HIM OR HE'LL SEND YOUR ASS TO GITMO TOO

Washington, D.C. – It has been reported that Barack Obama, the most iconic, inspirational, awe-inspiring Presidential Candidate of all time, and, well ... less-good actual President, has said "Fuck it, I'm going on vacation," during an on-air tirade at a Washington radio station. Obama, who had been on air to discuss his recent u-turns on certain policies, has been under considerable stress since his tenure as President began, almost four months ago. And the latest criticism of his decision to decide to un-decide to shut Guantanamo, plus the recent protests at Notre Dame University, Indiana, over his pro-choice stance in relation to abortion, have apparently pushed him over the edge, at least according to WTOP News Editor Richard Day. "He just lost it. One moment I was asking him if he believed his early promise as America's first great President of the 21st Century was in danger of being tarnished by indecision, and errors on policy, and the next minute he stood up, ripped off his microphone, and started thrashing the studio, yelling about how he'd send my ass to Guantanamo, and see how I liked it. It was surreal.

SCREAMING

"One of our guys tried to calm him down, but the secret service beat his ass ‘til he soiled himself. So we had no choice but let President Obama destroy everything he could get his hands on, all the while screaming threats about how he’d ‘send all [our] asses, and [our] children’s asses, and [our] children’s children’s asses to Gitmo’. After about twenty minutes he seemingly wore himself out, fell to the floor and just curled up in the corner sobbing for about an hour – an hour of intense, piteous sobbing. Then he suddenly just got up, said 'Fuck it, I'm going on vacation', and walked out,” said Day. “All of this went out live on air. Thank goodness our listenership is pretty much negligible."
The White house have yet to release a statement on Obama's comments, but it is believed that Obama will issue a full apology to WTOP, it's employees, and listeners – Alan and Steve – within the next day or two. It is still unconfirmed whether or not he has taken the promised vacation.
NewsDumpster.com caught up with close friend, and senior member of Barack Obama's campaign team, Bill Burton, to discuss possible causes of his apparent meltdown. "I think it's a simple case of 'burn-out'," said Burton. "Barack gave everything to the campaign, and never really saw past it." Barack Obama famously fought one of the most fiercely battled primary elections ever, to become the Democratic candidate for last year’s Presidential election. Almost immediately after which, he was immersed in an equally tight clash with the Republican contender John McCain, in what was known to be the costliest Presidential race ever. "So when he won, there was this real sense that the hard part was over," said Burton. "But that was just the interview.”

INAUSPICIOUS

It was, as Burton explains, an inauspicious start. “In his first seconds as President the whole fucking planet sees him fluff his lines, and then Kennedy does his scene-stealing shit at the inaugural dinner. I’m just thankful we managed to cover-up the whole Laura Bush boob-grabbing incident beforehand.”
When asked if things have improved for Obama in any way, Burton shakes his head. “No. he’s pretty much getting bullied in his own office by Hilary (Clinton) and Joe (Biden); they call him B.O. and do funny impressions of him. And they won’t sit with him at lunch. The man is under huge stress right now.” When asked by our reporter if the impressions are funny, Burton simply replied, “Fucking hilarious!”

DEFEATED TAMIL TIGERS TURN ATTENTIONS TO SPORT

2009-05-18T15:17:00.006+01:00

TIGERS: BEST FANS IN THE WORLD

Colombo – Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), commonly known as the Tamil Tigers – everyone’s favourite terrorist group, have decided to turn to sport in the wake of their defeat by the Sri Lankan Army. The Tigers, who for years have terrorised the people of Sri Lanka, admitted defeat on Saturday after 26 years of conflict. The main catalyst for this conflict was, according to the Tigers “to protect the Tamil Minority” from the predominantly Sinhalese led governments, with the aim to cretae an independent Tamil state in the North East of the country.

KICK-ASS NAME

But after defeat last weekend, they have decided to turn their back on the world of terrorising, and start their own Football club. “We were never a great liberation force,” admits rebel official, and head of International Relations for the Tigers, Selvarasa Pathmanathan, “we never liberated shit; but we always had a really kick-ass name. I guess that’s one of the main reasons we wanted to keep fighting – we knew we couldn’t let a great name like that go to waste. Then one day one of the lads said ‘why don’t we form a team instead?’ And the rest was history.”

On Monday, the Tigers’ founder, and leader, Velupillai Prabhakaran was reported to have been killed by Sri Lankan Forces, and Pathmanathan claims the deceased was the real driving force behind the rebellion. “We were happy to sit around, smoke a few joints, have a laugh and play some poker, and our regular games of five-a-side, of course,” he said, “but Velu kept driving us on saying we needed to go out and do some killing, or we’d never be taken as serious as say, the IRA or ETA, never mind any of that middle-eastern crowd.”

But now, with the death of Prabhakaran, the Tamil Tigers will pursue their true calling by forming a soccer club. “To be honest, this is what we always really wanted to be doing,” Pathmanathan admitted. “Look at all the sports teams with names nowhere as good as ours: the Leicester Tigers, the Detroit Tigers, even Hull city call themselves the Tigers, it’s crazy; not one of those names is half as good as ours – the Tamil Tigers.”

FIVE-A-SIDE

When asked if they were any good, Pathmanathan replied, “We play five-a-side twice a week. We’re unbeaten in our league. As you know, the Sri Lankan Football league is one of the best in Southern Asia, but we feel we’re ready. You have to start somewhere. Besides, we can’t be any worse than we were at liberating Tamil.”

“I myself, as the new leader, will be the Chairman. I’m a little old to play in a professional Sport’s league, I’ll leave that to some the younger lads, but we’ll have a great youth academy, that’s for sure,” laughed Pathmanathan, in reference to the Tigers’ controversial policy of recruiting child soldiers. “The ones that haven’t lost any limbs, of course,” he added solemnly.

The Sri Lankan Football League begins in September; meanwhile, Tamil Tigers F.C. await permission from the Sri Lankan Football Federation to compete.

RECESSION OVER: ALL A BIG JOKE

2009-05-16T04:09:00.004+01:00

New York, NY – The global economic recession, which since as early as 2007 has caused millions of people to lose their jobs, businesses and homes, and generally plunged the entire planet into a dark era of fear and depression, is no more.
According to a consortium of CEOs from some of the world’s leading banks, it was all just a big joke “on everybody in the world" and that "the banks have had loads of cash all along."
Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs group, and Gordon Gekko lookalike, has apparently found the whole thing very amusing. Speaking at a press conference where he and the other major banking leaders made the announcement, he said," You should have seen the look on all your faces," Then adopting a mocking tone: "Oh no! Boo-hoo, I have no money, I have no job... ha ha ha, fucking priceless. I spoke to Macky (John J. Mack CEO of Morgan Stanley) about how we'd break the news to you all. The press conference was his idea; I wanted to keep you guys hanging a little longer - see how far we could ride this pony. But oh man, it was so awesome."

JOB LOSSES

The recession that seemingly never was, said to have caused more than twenty million job losses and the complete capitulation of many nation's economies, is one of the worst financial crises of modern times. It was believed that it might be at least a decade before things would return to normal, and though now it won't take quite that long, Mr Blankfein said it would still take at least a year or two, maybe more. "Well it's not a case of just plugging everything back in and picking up from where we left off. With so many businesses going under, and with the amount of related suicides and ruined lives and all that, the world's infrastructure is in a bad way. We knew all along there'd be some collateral damage to this prank, but I gotta be honest, it was totally worth it," he said, high-fiving Mr Josef Ackermann, CEO of Deutsche Bank. "But we know the fun and games are over, and now is the time for recovery. We might even lend you guys some money," he added, winking, to the obvious delight of his counterparts.

STRINGENT CONTROL

When asked, if he believed that with the power that banks hold, they needed to show more responsibility, Blankfein quipped, "I don't really give a fuck – I'm rich."
Meanwhile, the world’s governments have been working on strategies to create more stringent control of banks’ monies, in case of future such practical jokes. When asked about this, Mr Blankfein’s response was, “Meh!” Then he lit a cigar with a flaming hundred dollar bill.

BALE TO REPRISE SERIAL KILLER ROLE

2009-05-15T05:50:00.006+01:00

BALE: BAT-SHIT CRAZY

Los Angeles, CA – Christian Bale, star of such movies as “Empire of the Sun”, “The Dark Knight”, “Terminator Salvation”, and some shit about a fire-breathing dragon, is set to appear in the follow up to the hit movie “American Psycho”. Bateman is to reprise his role as the deranged, bloodthirsty, cannibalistic psychopath, Patrick Bateman, in "American Psycho 2: The Hookers Take Manhattan”.
Bateman, known for his unwavering commitment to method acting, often spent days dressed in a latex suit, speaking in the same voice he uses while doing a poo, during the filming of "The Dark Knight", and says he will spend at least six months preparing for this role. "It'll be an intense journey," he says, his accent switching from American to British and back again, "I'll probably spend between four and six hours a day in the gym, and later that night another three or four on the streets of New York stalking hookers and vagrants."

DARKER

Bale claims the new movie will be even darker than the last. "I saw the first movie as more of a comedy than anything else," he says laughing, in that mid-Atlantic accent of his, "But Bret (Easton Ellis – Author of the original novel) says we couldn't have got it more wrong. ’This is some dark shit, Bale,' he told me. ‘Don’t fuck it up again.'" And Bale vows not to. "I really need to get into the skin of a serial killer this time," he says, at first in a British accent, then in a kind of American one. "I'm going to try to kill at least one homeless guy a week," he says, "and maybe a hooker or two. I really don't have the stomach for more than that. I'm not really a serial killer."
When asked if he'll be indulging in any cannibalism for the role, Bale replies "Only if necessary. I won't be actively seeking to eat anybody, but if the role calls for it, then I'll have maybe a slice or two of some hooker, and perhaps some drifter's brains or guts. I certainly won't be shying away from anything.”

ART

When asked if he felt any moral constraint towards these actions, he quickly refuted: “Look, you have to understand, this is my art. I’ve always prepared for my roles in this manner, and that won’t change. For ‘The Machinist’ I got my weight down to eight and a half stone; that’s 120 lbs." he says in that increasingly muddled accent of his. "For ‘Salvation’ I had our director, McG, send me into the future to blow up some robots. I mean, you all heard how I spoke to a senior member of the production crew on that movie, just because he ruined one lousy fucking scene,” he says, getting animated. “So in that regard, the murder and mutilation of society’s bottom tier is a small fucking ask, now isn’t it?” He’s shouting now. “Isn’t it? Answer me you fucking fuck.” With that, the interview ends, as Bale is restrained by seven security guards, but not before smashing his chair into the wall two or three times, and cursing his “cunt of a mother” repeatedly.
“American Psycho 2: The Hookers Take Manhattan” is due to be released in cinemas next year.

DISNEY TO OPEN "GOOFY’S GUANTANAMO"

2009-05-12T06:31:00.013+01:00

Anaheim, CA – In what many have described as a shock decision, the long-awaited new "Land” at Disneyland, Anaheim, is to be named “Goofy’s Guantanamo”, Disney CEO, and general all-round corn-fed, American-as-apple-pie, God bless our heroes in Iraq, good guy Robert “Bob” Iger announced today.
“We want a land that recognises America’s recent struggles,” explained Iger, about the highly controversial expansion plan, “and we believe that ‘Goofy’s Guantanamo’ will not only be a fun place for the whole family to enjoy, but will serve to let our heroes in Iraq know were still rootin’ for ‘em.
“Since September 11th, we, as Americans, have come under serious threat from other nations, and here at Disneyland – long a barometer of American culture – we believe, where better to reflect this era of our recent history, than the 'happiest place in the world'?"

AMERICAN THEME

Since its grand opening in 1955, with such wonderfully American-themed areas, such as “Main Street USA” and “New Orleans Square”, Disneyland has undergone many new expansions, often departing into more fantastical realms like “Critter Country” and “Fantasy Land”. The most recent new land, “Mickeys Toontown”, was opened in 1993, but was criticised for it’s lax security, after the great toddler massacre of ’94, after which it was decided, there would be no new expansion, until “the dust settles”. But Goofy’s Guantanamo, it seems, will be a welcome return to a more traditionally American theme.
“There is to be seven new rides, and a large open air auditorium,” Iger confirmed, “where we’ll have regular re-enactments of some of the more entertaining goings-on at the real Guantanámo.” The new rides will include “World of Waterboarding”, a novel new rollercoaster on which your child will be strapped to a declining board and sprayed in the face with a hose for twenty minutes at a time; “Camp X-ray” where you and the whole family are dressed in orange jump suits, shackled, while blacked-out goggles, ear muffs and masks are placed over your face, before some degree of emotional and physical abuse is applied; and “The Hole”, details of which are sketchy, if not extremely frightening.

HUMAN RIGHTS

Many of Disney’s detractors, however, are outraged by the plans to create a land styled after what some describe as the most brutal and prolonged depravation of human rights the world has ever seen. Jennifer Majors, of Mothers Against Disney (MAD), claims it is “an affront to humanity,” and that “the terrible war crimes committed by the American government are simply being glorified.” When I asked her if it wasn’t all just a bit of fun? She replied, “Oh yeah, I never really thought of it that way.”
Disney, no strangers to the trappings of extreme right wing politics, given Walt Disney’s not-so-secret, secret Nazism, and that while dressed in full SS uniform, he’d sometimes flail virgins while listening to Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” in a secret lair he had built under his home, have strenuously denied rumours they’re liaising with the CIA in an aim to covertly relocate the detainees at the actual Guantánamo Bay detention camp (set to close next year) and move them to Disneyland instead. “No comment,” said Iger, before adding, “This press conference is over.”

EUROPEAN COUNCIL PRESIDENT: BELGIUM POINTLESS

2009-05-10T04:45:00.002+01:00

BELGIUM: SHIT!

Brussels – The President of the European Council, Hans-Gert Pöttering has stated in a speech to European Parliament, that Belgium is "abso-fucking-lutely pointless." Mr Pöttering, a prominent German Politician, and member of European Parliament, since 1979, made the announcement after it was suggested by Belgian MEP, Dirk Sterckx, that Belgium be given a greater apportionment of Parliamental seats, because "Holland [has] waaaay more than us." In fact, the Netherlands have a total of 27 seats, to Belgium's 24.

DRAIN ON EU

Mr Pöttering then stood and announced that Belgium would not, in fact, be getting more seats, and if anything would be getting less. He went on to describe Belgium as " a drain on the EU, and, in many ways, humanity too." At this point, the atmosphere in the room became decidedly uncomfortable, and many MEPs began shifting uncomfortably in their chairs, while others inspected their nails or whistled tunelessly; one politician asked the guy sitting next to them if they'd seen the latest ‘Lost’ episode, and received an overly enthusiastic response. But Mr Pöttering was not finished, he went on to say that having fun in Belgium was more difficult than resurrecting the world’s economy, and only through hard drugs and prostitution could one get through a week in the country.
Mr Sterckx made an attempt to rebuke Mr Pöttering's comments by claiming that Bruges was an "extremely beautiful town, brought to light by the Movie 'In Bruges' starring Colin Farrell", but when it was pointed out to him that the entire premise of that particular movie was based around the fact that Bruges was actually an extraordinarily boring place in which many of the characters turned to prostitution and hard drugs in order to help temper their ennui, he realised he didn't have a leg to stand on.

APATHY

Given that Mr Pöttering's statement were made in Belgium, made them all the more controversial. Many Belgians were left outraged, although mostly they expressed total apathy, being the boring bastards that they are. In fact, rather than being admonished for his views, and subsequent wild drinking session, in which he also indulged in hard drugs and prostitution, Mr Pöttering was hailed across Europe for saying "what most of us have been thinking for a long time now", as Irish MEP, and erstwhile corrupt charlatan, Charlie McCreevy put it.
It has long been known that many politicians have lobbied for the European Commission, European Council, and all other Belgian based EU Institutions to be moved from Brussels to neighbouring Amsterdam, which is universally known to be at least a million times better than anywhere in Belgium could ever dream of being. And, as Pöttering himself has gone on record as saying, “not only do they have prostitution and hard drugs, but they also have all the other things in life any fucking normal human being would want to do … and on top of that, it isn’t full of dickheads.”

BOGEYMAN TO RETIRE AFTER YEARS OF SERVICE

2009-05-08T23:45:00.012+01:00

New York, NY - The Bogeyman, for years the poster-child of all things that go bump in the night, the paragon of terror for children everywhere, is set to retire at the end of the current tax year. The 1200 year old spectre, bogeying since the Dark Ages, feels that the time is right to hang up his battered old cloak, dusty old cap, and rusty old collection of disembowelling implements. "I feel it's time," the Bogeyman said, at a press conference in Manhattan earlier this week. "I've been at this for a while now, and I just feel I've given all I can." The Bogeyman came to prominence at a time when starvation, pestilence and general all-round suffering were at a zenith, but being the shrewd operator he is, he found his niche in an already overcrowded market of human misery—the children.

GOLDEN DAYS

"The kids were still smiling and laughing," he explained with his thick Brooklyn accent, shaking his head in disbelief. "I mean, there they were dropping like Goddamn flies, and still they kept on as if everything was rosy." It wasn't long, however, before he would put a stop to that.
"Those were the golden days," he confirmed, with a wry smile. "They knew nothing about me; luring them was so easy, I could take care of ten, maybe twenty, a day. But once word got out, it got harder. Parents would start warning their kids about me, and they got a lot more cautious. That was when I really learned how to lure." When asked what became of these children, the Bogeyman replied, "I rarely touched them. Mostly I'd just send them back unharmed, forever emotionally stunted, but unharmed ... mostly."
t
SMOKE AND MIRRORS
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Nowadays the Bogeyman has lost a lot of his original sheen. "Kids just aren't afraid no more," the Bogeyman said. With actual rapes and murders rising at an exponential rate, giving kids valid reason to fear the dark, the Bogeyman's smoke and mirrors style of terrorising them is no longer enough. "I just can't compete with that. Sure I've dabbled in paedophilia, and murder, and rape, and live burial and occasional cannibalism, but for me it was always about the scaring." And for now, the world will have to do without mere scaring.
"I'm proud of what I achieved," he said, adding "before I started out in this game, the mortality rate for kids was through the roof. However, as times improved, being a kid became a carefree time of wonder and joy. I'm just glad I could do my part in curbing that." It is understood that the Bogeyman was responsible for more incidents of Childhood misery than any other affliction, with the obvious exception of school.

"Now I just want to settle down, find myself a nice Bogeywife, and maybe someday have a few little Bogeykids of my own." When ask if he might hide under his own kids’ bed and terrify them to the core of their withering souls, for old time’s sake, he laughed. "I just might," he said, "Old habits die hard, and all that." Indeed they do, Bogeyman, Indeed they do.

BROWN SET TO KEEP PET GURKHA

2009-05-08T04:23:00.008+01:00

Above: Delicious, edible Gurkhas

London - Earlier today it was revealed that Gordon Brown is set to allow one Gurkha to remain in England - as his pet. Mr Brown has recently come under considerable criticism following the rejection of appeals by five Gurkhas for residency in the UK. And, earlier in the week, Mr. Brown's government suffered a shock defeat in the house Commons on its policy of restricting the right of many former Gurkhas to settle in the UK.

ADORABLE

However, according to a source in Downing Street, Mr. Brown, does not feel any animosity towards them. "Despite Mr. Brown’s seemingly extreme truculence and brutal disregard for Gurkhas, he actually finds them to be really adorable," the source said. "As with many European countries, we have large immigration problems, and it's for this reason that we're seeking to reject this miniscule group who have, in the past, shown nothing but absolute, preternatural loyalty to the UK." When asked, by Newsdumpster.com if they could instead limit the 600,000 annual immigrants to Britain by a mere couple of thousand, our source replied, "Yeah right, and what would France and Germany say about that?"
It is not yet known what selection process brown will use to decide the solitary, lone Gurkha that shall be given residence in a Granny flat at the back of number 10, but sources say "the cuddlier the better."

APPETITE

Meanwhile, fears that the chosen Gurkha might be subject to Brown's violent temper, and willingness to eat anything in sight, have been expressed by human rights groups across Europe. "Brown has a tremendous ability to ensnare and digest large animals, which sometimes includes humans, and his appetite is matched only by his legendary temper," according to Teresa Wilkes of the UNHRC. It has been alleged that at the recent G20 summit in London, brown, having been irked by Jose Zapatero's constant knuckle-cracking, flew into a violent rage and beat the Spanish Premier to a pulp, with his desktop union Jack Flag. "We are advising Gurkhas to be extra vigilant in these dark days," added Wilkes, "and to avoid taking lifts from fat, Scottish men."

GOODY EVICTED

2009-05-07T05:38:00.004+01:00

London - It is understood, Jade goody has been evicted from Heaven. Goody, a former Big Brother contestant, who recently died from complications due to cancer – the complications being that it made her really sick – was apparently voted out by a landslide decision.

UNAWARE

Apparently Goody was surprised by the decision as she was “completely unaware” heaven even ran a policy of evicting resident souls. “I neva dahn nuffink to hurt nahbody,” exclaimed Goody, after a hasty, and somewhat forceful, exit out the back gate. In an ironic twist of fate, it turns out Goody was the first ever evictee. “We here in heaven, have decided, due to relatively recent overcrowding, to consider possible means of re-housing certain souls,” a spokesperson for God (not the Pope) announced earlier this week. “We feel the most democratic means of doing so, is by public referendum. Unfortunately this means that we have had to move Ms Goody, temporarily, at least.” It seems Goody’s eviction came after a landslide decision. The spokesperson would not say what percentage of vote Goody received, but it is believed to be considerably more than second placed Bernie Mac, who reportedly “got up people’s noses”

It isn’t certain whether Goody has been returned to earth, perhaps in some sort of experimental Warren Beatty/Heaven can wait-style reincarnation; or whether they’re putting her up in some sort of Holiday Inn for dead people, while Heaven continues with much-criticised, ongoing expansions. Many, however, believe it will simply be a standard haunting, perhaps of future Big Brother houses.
“We hope to re-house Goody, at some stage, preferably within the next two or three millennia, maybe even sooner,” said the Spokesperson. “But right now we’re in discussions with Jade about the best place to put her soul, for all involved.”

FIRE AND BRIMSTONE

Heaven’s Spokesperson went on to criticise most of the current Abrahamic religions’ leaders. “We’re not asking for Fire and Brimstone, far from it, but we feel, with the possible exception of Islam, that too much leniency has been shown. We’ve had to practically shut down Purgatory; such is its dwindling significance of late. Men of the Church are practically certifying a quick route to even the most whimsically penitent. Something needs to change. We blame the reformation. And science, yeah, science.”
When asked would this “change” come in the form of a horrific flood, or virus, to cleanse the world from mankind, Heaven declined further comment.
Meanwhile, Newsdumpster.com awaits word from Goody’s people.

UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX

2009-05-06T01:57:00.001+01:00

Chicago, IL - A report today, from the University of Chicago, Illinois, reveals that society’s ugliest, those with absolutely no physically redeeming qualities, we mean those really horrific looking bastards who sometimes sit next to you on the bus and freak you out a little bit, are having sex just as much as the rest of us.
It seems that, contrary to public assumptions, beautiful people do not hold a monopoly of sex, and that many ugly people are regularly finding short to mid-term relationships.

Prof. Claire Spalding, head of the Department of Humanities at the University, claims that “Ugly people may not be as ultimately pathetic as you might imagine. We’re finding

that at least 50% of ugly people have sporadic, if almost certainly pathetic, sex.”

ALCOHOL

Alcohol plays a huge part, naturally; the report shows that almost two thirds of ugly-people sex is committed after the nightly closure of a bar or Nightclub, rarely before. “We see this quite often,” Spalding explains. “You have to remember that Ugly People rarely have much confidence, nor do they find many people want to be around them. This makes a place such as a Nightclub the perfect place for an unattractive person to find a mate, albeit temporarily. In all but the more exclusive venues, the rest of the population has no choice but to be surrounded by them, forcing them into a public setting. Here, they can almost pretend they have a life.”

Whilst this is obviously great news for a large portion of the population, particularly the overweight, it’s not all good. One of the main reasons why so many ‘aesthetically challenged’ are getting lucky, is in part down to the fact that they are simply attracting – or not repelling – other ugly people.
“There are few glass ceilings being broken,” admits Spalding. “Although, we are seeing some instances of the attractive ending up with the unattractive, usually this too is simply just alcohol-related, and the effects are naturally short-lived.

Rich

“The only real long-term prospect an ugly man has with a hot girl, is if he’s rich. And given that ugly people are quite often losers too, this is rare.”
When asked if the reverse was possible, if ugly women could ever marry an attractive man, Spalding replied: “No. Never. Men are typically the worst culprits for one-night stands with hideous looking women, but they lack the Gold digger gene that many women possess.”