MUGABE: PEACE OUTOSLO – In a decision shrouded in controversy, Robert Mugabe has been named the Nobel Peace Laureate for 2009, "for not being as bad as he used to be." Mugabe, who, for years, has been regarded as one of the world's most dangerous and subversive political leaders, was awarded the Peace Prize at the ceremony in Oslo, amid shocked scenes of stiff upper-lipped quiet mumbling; one infuriated attendee was even heard to utter "I say" at a slightly louder than usual volume.
HATE CAMPAIGN
Mugabe, Dictator of Zimbabwe since 1980, spent much of his early political career as a member of the military organisation, ZANU (Zimbabwe African People's Union), in White-led Rhodesia in the 1960's and 70's. And after a spell as a political prisoner, he eventually clawed his way to power. In the 29 years since, he was responsible for mass genocide, crippling the Zimbabwean economy, and waging a hate campaign against whites, homosexuals, minorities, and basically anyone who didn't agree with him. He also made numerous comparisons between himself and Hitler.
However, the Nobel Board, have defended their decision to award him Nobel Laureate. "It's a changing world, and we have to change with the times," said Director of the Nobel Institute, Prof. Geir Lundestad, at a press conference after the ceremony. "Which of you here can name the last Nobel Peace Prize winner? Huh?" After a few coughs and sideways glances, Professor Lundestad continued: "Not one of you, just as I thought." The actual winner, according to Wikipedia, was former Finnish President Martii Ahtisaari "for his important efforts, on several continents and over more than three decades, to resolve international conflicts."
GLAMOUR
"Robert Mugabe brings a certain amount of glamour," continued Lundestad. "People won't forget the winner of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize in a hurry; that I can assure you of."
When reminded of Mugabe's brutal regime, particularly over the last decade, culminating in his refusal to acknowledge the results of the 2008 Zimbabwean General election, and subsequently incarcerating the actual winner Morgan Tsvangirai. "Yeah, but since then, what's he done wrong?" questioned Lundestad. "I take your point about all that evil stuff he did, but was last year. Did he win last year? Did he? No. He wasn't even nominated. Anyway, he let that guy be Prime Minister in the end.
HATE CAMPAIGN
Mugabe, Dictator of Zimbabwe since 1980, spent much of his early political career as a member of the military organisation, ZANU (Zimbabwe African People's Union), in White-led Rhodesia in the 1960's and 70's. And after a spell as a political prisoner, he eventually clawed his way to power. In the 29 years since, he was responsible for mass genocide, crippling the Zimbabwean economy, and waging a hate campaign against whites, homosexuals, minorities, and basically anyone who didn't agree with him. He also made numerous comparisons between himself and Hitler.
However, the Nobel Board, have defended their decision to award him Nobel Laureate. "It's a changing world, and we have to change with the times," said Director of the Nobel Institute, Prof. Geir Lundestad, at a press conference after the ceremony. "Which of you here can name the last Nobel Peace Prize winner? Huh?" After a few coughs and sideways glances, Professor Lundestad continued: "Not one of you, just as I thought." The actual winner, according to Wikipedia, was former Finnish President Martii Ahtisaari "for his important efforts, on several continents and over more than three decades, to resolve international conflicts."
GLAMOUR
"Robert Mugabe brings a certain amount of glamour," continued Lundestad. "People won't forget the winner of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize in a hurry; that I can assure you of."
When reminded of Mugabe's brutal regime, particularly over the last decade, culminating in his refusal to acknowledge the results of the 2008 Zimbabwean General election, and subsequently incarcerating the actual winner Morgan Tsvangirai. "Yeah, but since then, what's he done wrong?" questioned Lundestad. "I take your point about all that evil stuff he did, but was last year. Did he win last year? Did he? No. He wasn't even nominated. Anyway, he let that guy be Prime Minister in the end.
"Look, what I'm trying to say is that, in the last 12 months, the genocide has decreased to the point where he almost never kills in cold blood now. Ok, the economy is still shit, but not nearly as bad as, say, Ireland's. And between you and me, he's a bit of craic over a few pints."
PREDICTABLE
This year's Nobel Peace Prize was notable for having a record 205 candidates vying for the prize, including people such as Barack Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy. One of the favourites for the award, Ingrid Betancourt, the French-Colombian hostage who was freed last year after six and a half years in captivity, and known for her strong anti-corruption values when a senator in the Colombian government, was apparently overlooked for being a "predictable" choice. "Yeah, a few of the lads wanted to go with her," said Lundestad, "but I didn't really feel she brought anything new to the table. It was all too predictable; I can imagine the headlines: 'Multi-ethnic, human-rights chick wins Nobel Prize!' – the headlines on, like, page twelve," Lundestad added, mockingly.
Lundestad also denied that this decision would have the heavily expected effect of devaluing the award in future. “Bollocks – if we managed to keep Gandhi’s name off the winner’s list, and still keep our dignity, we can do whatever the hell we like.”
PREDICTABLE
This year's Nobel Peace Prize was notable for having a record 205 candidates vying for the prize, including people such as Barack Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy. One of the favourites for the award, Ingrid Betancourt, the French-Colombian hostage who was freed last year after six and a half years in captivity, and known for her strong anti-corruption values when a senator in the Colombian government, was apparently overlooked for being a "predictable" choice. "Yeah, a few of the lads wanted to go with her," said Lundestad, "but I didn't really feel she brought anything new to the table. It was all too predictable; I can imagine the headlines: 'Multi-ethnic, human-rights chick wins Nobel Prize!' – the headlines on, like, page twelve," Lundestad added, mockingly.
Lundestad also denied that this decision would have the heavily expected effect of devaluing the award in future. “Bollocks – if we managed to keep Gandhi’s name off the winner’s list, and still keep our dignity, we can do whatever the hell we like.”
0 comments:
Post a Comment