London - It is understood, Jade goody has been evicted from Heaven. Goody, a former Big Brother contestant, who recently died from complications due to cancer – the complications being that it made her really sick – was apparently voted out by a landslide decision.
UNAWARE
Apparently Goody was surprised by the decision as she was “completely unaware” heaven even ran a policy of evicting resident souls. “I neva dahn nuffink to hurt nahbody,” exclaimed Goody, after a hasty, and somewhat forceful, exit out the back gate. In an ironic twist of fate, it turns out Goody was the first ever evictee. “We here in heaven, have decided, due to relatively recent overcrowding, to consider possible means of re-housing certain souls,” a spokesperson for God (not the Pope) announced earlier this week. “We feel the most democratic means of doing so, is by public referendum. Unfortunately this means that we have had to move Ms Goody, temporarily, at least.” It seems Goody’s eviction came after a landslide decision. The spokesperson would not say what percentage of vote Goody received, but it is believed to be considerably more than second placed Bernie Mac, who reportedly “got up people’s noses”
It isn’t certain whether Goody has been returned to earth, perhaps in some sort of experimental Warren Beatty/Heaven can wait-style reincarnation; or whether they’re putting her up in some sort of Holiday Inn for dead people, while Heaven continues with much-criticised, ongoing expansions. Many, however, believe it will simply be a standard haunting, perhaps of future Big Brother houses.
“We hope to re-house Goody, at some stage, preferably within the next two or three millennia, maybe even sooner,” said the Spokesperson. “But right now we’re in discussions with Jade about the best place to put her soul, for all involved.”
FIRE AND BRIMSTONE
Heaven’s Spokesperson went on to criticise most of the current Abrahamic religions’ leaders. “We’re not asking for Fire and Brimstone, far from it, but we feel, with the possible exception of Islam, that too much leniency has been shown. We’ve had to practically shut down Purgatory; such is its dwindling significance of late. Men of the Church are practically certifying a quick route to even the most whimsically penitent. Something needs to change. We blame the reformation. And science, yeah, science.”
When asked would this “change” come in the form of a horrific flood, or virus, to cleanse the world from mankind, Heaven declined further comment.
Meanwhile, Newsdumpster.com awaits word from Goody’s people.
Apparently Goody was surprised by the decision as she was “completely unaware” heaven even ran a policy of evicting resident souls. “I neva dahn nuffink to hurt nahbody,” exclaimed Goody, after a hasty, and somewhat forceful, exit out the back gate. In an ironic twist of fate, it turns out Goody was the first ever evictee. “We here in heaven, have decided, due to relatively recent overcrowding, to consider possible means of re-housing certain souls,” a spokesperson for God (not the Pope) announced earlier this week. “We feel the most democratic means of doing so, is by public referendum. Unfortunately this means that we have had to move Ms Goody, temporarily, at least.” It seems Goody’s eviction came after a landslide decision. The spokesperson would not say what percentage of vote Goody received, but it is believed to be considerably more than second placed Bernie Mac, who reportedly “got up people’s noses”
It isn’t certain whether Goody has been returned to earth, perhaps in some sort of experimental Warren Beatty/Heaven can wait-style reincarnation; or whether they’re putting her up in some sort of Holiday Inn for dead people, while Heaven continues with much-criticised, ongoing expansions. Many, however, believe it will simply be a standard haunting, perhaps of future Big Brother houses.
“We hope to re-house Goody, at some stage, preferably within the next two or three millennia, maybe even sooner,” said the Spokesperson. “But right now we’re in discussions with Jade about the best place to put her soul, for all involved.”
FIRE AND BRIMSTONE
Heaven’s Spokesperson went on to criticise most of the current Abrahamic religions’ leaders. “We’re not asking for Fire and Brimstone, far from it, but we feel, with the possible exception of Islam, that too much leniency has been shown. We’ve had to practically shut down Purgatory; such is its dwindling significance of late. Men of the Church are practically certifying a quick route to even the most whimsically penitent. Something needs to change. We blame the reformation. And science, yeah, science.”
When asked would this “change” come in the form of a horrific flood, or virus, to cleanse the world from mankind, Heaven declined further comment.
Meanwhile, Newsdumpster.com awaits word from Goody’s people.
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