EUROPEAN COUNCIL PRESIDENT: BELGIUM POINTLESS

BELGIUM: SHIT!

Brussels – The President of the European Council, Hans-Gert Pöttering has stated in a speech to European Parliament, that Belgium is "abso-fucking-lutely pointless." Mr Pöttering, a prominent German Politician, and member of European Parliament, since 1979, made the announcement after it was suggested by Belgian MEP, Dirk Sterckx, that Belgium be given a greater apportionment of Parliamental seats, because "Holland [has] waaaay more than us." In fact, the Netherlands have a total of 27 seats, to Belgium's 24.

DRAIN ON EU

Mr Pöttering then stood and announced that Belgium would not, in fact, be getting more seats, and if anything would be getting less. He went on to describe Belgium as " a drain on the EU, and, in many ways, humanity too." At this point, the atmosphere in the room became decidedly uncomfortable, and many MEPs began shifting uncomfortably in their chairs, while others inspected their nails or whistled tunelessly; one politician asked the guy sitting next to them if they'd seen the latest ‘Lost’ episode, and received an overly enthusiastic response. But Mr Pöttering was not finished, he went on to say that having fun in Belgium was more difficult than resurrecting the world’s economy, and only through hard drugs and prostitution could one get through a week in the country.
Mr Sterckx made an attempt to rebuke Mr Pöttering's comments by claiming that Bruges was an "extremely beautiful town, brought to light by the Movie 'In Bruges' starring Colin Farrell", but when it was pointed out to him that the entire premise of that particular movie was based around the fact that Bruges was actually an extraordinarily boring place in which many of the characters turned to prostitution and hard drugs in order to help temper their ennui, he realised he didn't have a leg to stand on.

APATHY

Given that Mr Pöttering's statement were made in Belgium, made them all the more controversial. Many Belgians were left outraged, although mostly they expressed total apathy, being the boring bastards that they are. In fact, rather than being admonished for his views, and subsequent wild drinking session, in which he also indulged in hard drugs and prostitution, Mr Pöttering was hailed across Europe for saying "what most of us have been thinking for a long time now", as Irish MEP, and erstwhile corrupt charlatan, Charlie McCreevy put it.
It has long been known that many politicians have lobbied for the European Commission, European Council, and all other Belgian based EU Institutions to be moved from Brussels to neighbouring Amsterdam, which is universally known to be at least a million times better than anywhere in Belgium could ever dream of being. And, as Pöttering himself has gone on record as saying, “not only do they have prostitution and hard drugs, but they also have all the other things in life any fucking normal human being would want to do … and on top of that, it isn’t full of dickheads.”