Anaheim, CA – In what many have described as a shock decision, the long-awaited new "Land” at Disneyland, Anaheim, is to be named “Goofy’s Guantanamo”, Disney CEO, and general all-round corn-fed, American-as-apple-pie, God bless our heroes in Iraq, good guy Robert “Bob” Iger announced today.
“We want a land that recognises America’s recent struggles,” explained Iger, about the highly controversial expansion plan, “and we believe that ‘Goofy’s Guantanamo’ will not only be a fun place for the whole family to enjoy, but will serve to let our heroes in Iraq know were still rootin’ for ‘em.
“Since September 11th, we, as Americans, have come under serious threat from other nations, and here at Disneyland – long a barometer of American culture – we believe, where better to reflect this era of our recent history, than the 'happiest place in the world'?"
AMERICAN THEME
Since its grand opening in 1955, with such wonderfully American-themed areas, such as “Main Street USA” and “New Orleans Square”, Disneyland has undergone many new expansions, often departing into more fantastical realms like “Critter Country” and “Fantasy Land”. The most recent new land, “Mickeys Toontown”, was opened in 1993, but was criticised for it’s lax security, after the great toddler massacre of ’94, after which it was decided, there would be no new expansion, until “the dust settles”. But Goofy’s Guantanamo, it seems, will be a welcome return to a more traditionally American theme.
“There is to be seven new rides, and a large open air auditorium,” Iger confirmed, “where we’ll have regular re-enactments of some of the more entertaining goings-on at the real Guantanámo.” The new rides will include “World of Waterboarding”, a novel new rollercoaster on which your child will be strapped to a declining board and sprayed in the face with a hose for twenty minutes at a time; “Camp X-ray” where you and the whole family are dressed in orange jump suits, shackled, while blacked-out goggles, ear muffs and masks are placed over your face, before some degree of emotional and physical abuse is applied; and “The Hole”, details of which are sketchy, if not extremely frightening.
HUMAN RIGHTS
Many of Disney’s detractors, however, are outraged by the plans to create a land styled after what some describe as the most brutal and prolonged depravation of human rights the world has ever seen. Jennifer Majors, of Mothers Against Disney (MAD), claims it is “an affront to humanity,” and that “the terrible war crimes committed by the American government are simply being glorified.” When I asked her if it wasn’t all just a bit of fun? She replied, “Oh yeah, I never really thought of it that way.”
Disney, no strangers to the trappings of extreme right wing politics, given Walt Disney’s not-so-secret, secret Nazism, and that while dressed in full SS uniform, he’d sometimes flail virgins while listening to Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” in a secret lair he had built under his home, have strenuously denied rumours they’re liaising with the CIA in an aim to covertly relocate the detainees at the actual Guantánamo Bay detention camp (set to close next year) and move them to Disneyland instead. “No comment,” said Iger, before adding, “This press conference is over.”
“We want a land that recognises America’s recent struggles,” explained Iger, about the highly controversial expansion plan, “and we believe that ‘Goofy’s Guantanamo’ will not only be a fun place for the whole family to enjoy, but will serve to let our heroes in Iraq know were still rootin’ for ‘em.
“Since September 11th, we, as Americans, have come under serious threat from other nations, and here at Disneyland – long a barometer of American culture – we believe, where better to reflect this era of our recent history, than the 'happiest place in the world'?"
AMERICAN THEME
Since its grand opening in 1955, with such wonderfully American-themed areas, such as “Main Street USA” and “New Orleans Square”, Disneyland has undergone many new expansions, often departing into more fantastical realms like “Critter Country” and “Fantasy Land”. The most recent new land, “Mickeys Toontown”, was opened in 1993, but was criticised for it’s lax security, after the great toddler massacre of ’94, after which it was decided, there would be no new expansion, until “the dust settles”. But Goofy’s Guantanamo, it seems, will be a welcome return to a more traditionally American theme.
“There is to be seven new rides, and a large open air auditorium,” Iger confirmed, “where we’ll have regular re-enactments of some of the more entertaining goings-on at the real Guantanámo.” The new rides will include “World of Waterboarding”, a novel new rollercoaster on which your child will be strapped to a declining board and sprayed in the face with a hose for twenty minutes at a time; “Camp X-ray” where you and the whole family are dressed in orange jump suits, shackled, while blacked-out goggles, ear muffs and masks are placed over your face, before some degree of emotional and physical abuse is applied; and “The Hole”, details of which are sketchy, if not extremely frightening.
HUMAN RIGHTS
Many of Disney’s detractors, however, are outraged by the plans to create a land styled after what some describe as the most brutal and prolonged depravation of human rights the world has ever seen. Jennifer Majors, of Mothers Against Disney (MAD), claims it is “an affront to humanity,” and that “the terrible war crimes committed by the American government are simply being glorified.” When I asked her if it wasn’t all just a bit of fun? She replied, “Oh yeah, I never really thought of it that way.”
Disney, no strangers to the trappings of extreme right wing politics, given Walt Disney’s not-so-secret, secret Nazism, and that while dressed in full SS uniform, he’d sometimes flail virgins while listening to Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” in a secret lair he had built under his home, have strenuously denied rumours they’re liaising with the CIA in an aim to covertly relocate the detainees at the actual Guantánamo Bay detention camp (set to close next year) and move them to Disneyland instead. “No comment,” said Iger, before adding, “This press conference is over.”
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