TIGERS: BEST FANS IN THE WORLD
Colombo – Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), commonly known as the Tamil Tigers – everyone’s favourite terrorist group, have decided to turn to sport in the wake of their defeat by the Sri Lankan Army. The Tigers, who for years have terrorised the people of Sri Lanka, admitted defeat on Saturday after 26 years of conflict. The main catalyst for this conflict was, according to the Tigers “to protect the Tamil Minority” from the predominantly Sinhalese led governments, with the aim to cretae an independent Tamil state in the North East of the country.
KICK-ASS NAME
But after defeat last weekend, they have decided to turn their back on the world of terrorising, and start their own Football club. “We were never a great liberation force,” admits rebel official, and head of International Relations for the Tigers, Selvarasa Pathmanathan, “we never liberated shit; but we always had a really kick-ass name. I guess that’s one of the main reasons we wanted to keep fighting – we knew we couldn’t let a great name like that go to waste. Then one day one of the lads said ‘why don’t we form a team instead?’ And the rest was history.”
On Monday, the Tigers’ founder, and leader, Velupillai Prabhakaran was reported to have been killed by Sri Lankan Forces, and Pathmanathan claims the deceased was the real driving force behind the rebellion. “We were happy to sit around, smoke a few joints, have a laugh and play some poker, and our regular games of five-a-side, of course,” he said, “but Velu kept driving us on saying we needed to go out and do some killing, or we’d never be taken as serious as say, the IRA or ETA, never mind any of that middle-eastern crowd.”
But now, with the death of Prabhakaran, the Tamil Tigers will pursue their true calling by forming a soccer club. “To be honest, this is what we always really wanted to be doing,” Pathmanathan admitted. “Look at all the sports teams with names nowhere as good as ours: the Leicester Tigers, the Detroit Tigers, even Hull city call themselves the Tigers, it’s crazy; not one of those names is half as good as ours – the Tamil Tigers.”
FIVE-A-SIDE
When asked if they were any good, Pathmanathan replied, “We play five-a-side twice a week. We’re unbeaten in our league. As you know, the Sri Lankan Football league is one of the best in Southern Asia, but we feel we’re ready. You have to start somewhere. Besides, we can’t be any worse than we were at liberating Tamil.”
“I myself, as the new leader, will be the Chairman. I’m a little old to play in a professional Sport’s league, I’ll leave that to some the younger lads, but we’ll have a great youth academy, that’s for sure,” laughed Pathmanathan, in reference to the Tigers’ controversial policy of recruiting child soldiers. “The ones that haven’t lost any limbs, of course,” he added solemnly.
KICK-ASS NAME
But after defeat last weekend, they have decided to turn their back on the world of terrorising, and start their own Football club. “We were never a great liberation force,” admits rebel official, and head of International Relations for the Tigers, Selvarasa Pathmanathan, “we never liberated shit; but we always had a really kick-ass name. I guess that’s one of the main reasons we wanted to keep fighting – we knew we couldn’t let a great name like that go to waste. Then one day one of the lads said ‘why don’t we form a team instead?’ And the rest was history.”
On Monday, the Tigers’ founder, and leader, Velupillai Prabhakaran was reported to have been killed by Sri Lankan Forces, and Pathmanathan claims the deceased was the real driving force behind the rebellion. “We were happy to sit around, smoke a few joints, have a laugh and play some poker, and our regular games of five-a-side, of course,” he said, “but Velu kept driving us on saying we needed to go out and do some killing, or we’d never be taken as serious as say, the IRA or ETA, never mind any of that middle-eastern crowd.”
But now, with the death of Prabhakaran, the Tamil Tigers will pursue their true calling by forming a soccer club. “To be honest, this is what we always really wanted to be doing,” Pathmanathan admitted. “Look at all the sports teams with names nowhere as good as ours: the Leicester Tigers, the Detroit Tigers, even Hull city call themselves the Tigers, it’s crazy; not one of those names is half as good as ours – the Tamil Tigers.”
FIVE-A-SIDE
When asked if they were any good, Pathmanathan replied, “We play five-a-side twice a week. We’re unbeaten in our league. As you know, the Sri Lankan Football league is one of the best in Southern Asia, but we feel we’re ready. You have to start somewhere. Besides, we can’t be any worse than we were at liberating Tamil.”
“I myself, as the new leader, will be the Chairman. I’m a little old to play in a professional Sport’s league, I’ll leave that to some the younger lads, but we’ll have a great youth academy, that’s for sure,” laughed Pathmanathan, in reference to the Tigers’ controversial policy of recruiting child soldiers. “The ones that haven’t lost any limbs, of course,” he added solemnly.
The Sri Lankan Football League begins in September; meanwhile, Tamil Tigers F.C. await permission from the Sri Lankan Football Federation to compete.
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