New York, NY - The Bogeyman, for years the poster-child of all things that go bump in the night, the paragon of terror for children everywhere, is set to retire at the end of the current tax year. The 1200 year old spectre, bogeying since the Dark Ages, feels that the time is right to hang up his battered old cloak, dusty old cap, and rusty old collection of disembowelling implements. "I feel it's time," the Bogeyman said, at a press conference in Manhattan earlier this week. "I've been at this for a while now, and I just feel I've given all I can." The Bogeyman came to prominence at a time when starvation, pestilence and general all-round suffering were at a zenith, but being the shrewd operator he is, he found his niche in an already overcrowded market of human misery—the children.
GOLDEN DAYS
"The kids were still smiling and laughing," he explained with his thick Brooklyn accent, shaking his head in disbelief. "I mean, there they were dropping like Goddamn flies, and still they kept on as if everything was rosy." It wasn't long, however, before he would put a stop to that.
"Those were the golden days," he confirmed, with a wry smile. "They knew nothing about me; luring them was so easy, I could take care of ten, maybe twenty, a day. But once word got out, it got harder. Parents would start warning their kids about me, and they got a lot more cautious. That was when I really learned how to lure." When asked what became of these children, the Bogeyman replied, "I rarely touched them. Mostly I'd just send them back unharmed, forever emotionally stunted, but unharmed ... mostly."
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SMOKE AND MIRRORS
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GOLDEN DAYS
"The kids were still smiling and laughing," he explained with his thick Brooklyn accent, shaking his head in disbelief. "I mean, there they were dropping like Goddamn flies, and still they kept on as if everything was rosy." It wasn't long, however, before he would put a stop to that.
"Those were the golden days," he confirmed, with a wry smile. "They knew nothing about me; luring them was so easy, I could take care of ten, maybe twenty, a day. But once word got out, it got harder. Parents would start warning their kids about me, and they got a lot more cautious. That was when I really learned how to lure." When asked what became of these children, the Bogeyman replied, "I rarely touched them. Mostly I'd just send them back unharmed, forever emotionally stunted, but unharmed ... mostly."
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SMOKE AND MIRRORS
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Nowadays the Bogeyman has lost a lot of his original sheen. "Kids just aren't afraid no more," the Bogeyman said. With actual rapes and murders rising at an exponential rate, giving kids valid reason to fear the dark, the Bogeyman's smoke and mirrors style of terrorising them is no longer enough. "I just can't compete with that. Sure I've dabbled in paedophilia, and murder, and rape, and live burial and occasional cannibalism, but for me it was always about the scaring." And for now, the world will have to do without mere scaring.
"I'm proud of what I achieved," he said, adding "before I started out in this game, the mortality rate for kids was through the roof. However, as times improved, being a kid became a carefree time of wonder and joy. I'm just glad I could do my part in curbing that." It is understood that the Bogeyman was responsible for more incidents of Childhood misery than any other affliction, with the obvious exception of school.
"Now I just want to settle down, find myself a nice Bogeywife, and maybe someday have a few little Bogeykids of my own." When ask if he might hide under his own kids’ bed and terrify them to the core of their withering souls, for old time’s sake, he laughed. "I just might," he said, "Old habits die hard, and all that." Indeed they do, Bogeyman, Indeed they do.
"I'm proud of what I achieved," he said, adding "before I started out in this game, the mortality rate for kids was through the roof. However, as times improved, being a kid became a carefree time of wonder and joy. I'm just glad I could do my part in curbing that." It is understood that the Bogeyman was responsible for more incidents of Childhood misery than any other affliction, with the obvious exception of school.
"Now I just want to settle down, find myself a nice Bogeywife, and maybe someday have a few little Bogeykids of my own." When ask if he might hide under his own kids’ bed and terrify them to the core of their withering souls, for old time’s sake, he laughed. "I just might," he said, "Old habits die hard, and all that." Indeed they do, Bogeyman, Indeed they do.
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